Aspiration is great. But it is like an addiction, you can’t control it. Every other day the ladder keeps on getting higher and higher and we never see what’s on the top.

A few months back, I desperately wanted to be a resident, my ultimate goal of life. Within months, there were hummings on fellowships, research, contacts and unconsciously I once again became a part of the rat race. Plan ahead, start early, gain contacts, publish papers, good scores, LORs, away electives – all sorts of ideas and advice entered my tiny brain and it started to bug me and finally took away my inner peace. What will be my gameplan, do I go for a fellowship, join as a hospitalist, no… I am liking Primary care, maybe I should become a PCP. But, what about the money, my reputation? What will my parents say? Will, I be happy down the lane in 5 years?

I want to have a baby, spend time with my family, will I be able to manage a baby with fellowship? Should I take a break, join as PCP and then apply for a fellowship? But then again, will my chances decrease if I apply after 3 years?

And the list goes on…

This is not just me. This is the brain talk of thousands of residents like me. There is no perfect answer. Just have to figure it out with time. There is no time to settle down to take a deep breath. Because, if you breathe, you will be left behind and maybe get extinct.

We are in the late twenties, surviving on bagels, coffee, and microwave heated yesterday’s leftover food. Starved of good food, family love, although we are making an effort for a brighter future, but, by the time we reach our goal, we will be fat, infertile women in forties with probable gallstones.

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